dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
