I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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