My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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