No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
