I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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