Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
