Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
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Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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