i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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