There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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