you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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