Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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