yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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