As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
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Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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