you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
