Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
