Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
