I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
