I accidentally burped into my bong.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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