He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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