My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
