Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ttyl tear gas
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
