I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
