im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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