I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
