like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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