i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I queefed so loud it echoed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
