Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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