My cat gives me a boner
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
