I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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