I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
