hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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