i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
