Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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