im drinking this country out of the recession.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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