I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
