I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
