i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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