Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
