Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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