i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
