I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
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i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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