i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
