I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
