my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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