Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Pooping to opera.
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