Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
