But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
