So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
