I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
True strength comes from lack of pants
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
