I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
