Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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