standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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