my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
