Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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