the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
