I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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