I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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